Army Of Mumpower Isn't Like You

Dr. Carl Mumpower is running for the Republican nomination in the 11th District, currently held by Heath Shuler.

Our Carl sat down for an interview with Waynesville's paper of record, the Mountaineer. Dr. Mumpower, a straight shooter, tells us exactly why no one with any sense would elect him to represent us in Congress:

"I believe Western North Carolina is a conservative district and on that basis should have conservative representation in Washington."
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"I've spent six tough years in a hard arena Asheville learning how to be a sincere conservative."
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[Mumpower's] issues include securing the nation's borders, resisting a ballooning national debt, challenging Washington's indulgence of special interests, reducing bureaucratic strangulation of our education, business and health care systems, redirecting our energies in the fight against the harms of hard drugs and focusing on enforcement of existing laws over the creation of new ones.
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"Whether should have gotten into the war could be legitimately debated, he said. Whether we should cut and run should not. This is not just about us. It's about the people who have served, suffered and died there and about the people of Iraq and its about what's right.
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"Mumpower said he believes the nation is in a period of regression of our culture and its values."

To be clear, here's an interpretation of Mumpower's conservative low-talking.

When Carl says we need conservative representation, he means even more conservative than Heath Shuler, who is anti-choice, anti-gay, anti-Mexican, anti-science, and all for PAYGO, the gold standard for fiscal responsibility in Washington. In order for Carl to be more conservative, he'll have to start lopping pieces off the government in a way that will make Grover Norquist proud.

When Carl says he's learned how to be a sincere conservative, he's sincere. This means he was insincere before that.

"securing the nation's borders" = Building the Wall, gettin' our massive deportation on.
"reducing bureaucratic strangulation of our education, business and health care systems" = defunding public schools, deregulating business, and letting the free market improve our health care systems even more.
"fight against the harms of hard drugs" = A Reaganesque War on Drugs, this time with lots more cops kicking in lots more doors.

Mumpower believes that we must "stay the course" in Iraq. Really. He's so 2003.

"a period of regression of our culture and its values" = Carl has invented a time in America's history when we were all very virtuous and upright. He hearkens to this era. This means you can count on Carl trying to fix the culture that he feels has "regressed". No more booty dancing for you, young ladies!

Army of Mumpower is on the march. It's good to see that this one-man army reflects only a sliver of the electorate, the people who believe in George W. Bush and engineering a socially conservative America.