Breaking: NC evacuation imminent

The entire state of North Carolina is on evacuation alert today, with nearly nine million people expected to flee a perfect storm of free market fanaticism. Observers trace the pending catastrophe to the corporate takeover of government predicted by Republicans following the elections of 2010.

With nothing to lose but democracy, that takeover appears to have been engineered by Variety Wholesalers' Art Pope, who was joined by PPD, Wells Fargo, Bank of America, Duke Energy, Blackwater USA, and Titan Cement in pouring more than ten million dollars into North Carolina elections. That will be enough to buy one US Senator, six judges, seven Congressmen, 50 school boards, and two-thirds of the North Carolina General Assembly.

In the resulting bloodbath, Mr. Pope's new government-hating government employees will cut taxes on billionaires, fire 250,000 public school teachers, reinstitute payday lending, build ten more prisons, and authorize foreclosures on half the houses in North Carolina valued at less than a million dollars.

While there are many canaries in the democracy coal mine, the instant collapse of property values around the Cape Fear River was the first in a series of blows that eventually took its toll. Triggered by the prospect of a behemoth new mercury plant in that river basin, thousands of citizens abandoned their homes, scurrying for safe havens in other states. That small step for polluters created a domino effect, collapsing average home prices from Manteo to Murphy and driving three million more people into poverty.

Though many businesses have sidled up to the privatization trough, insiders credit Variety Wholesalers President Art Pope, with a quick assist from PPD's Fred Eschelman, for master-minding the march. After piloting its legislative acquisition strategy during the 2006 and 2008 elections, the machine is operating all-out in 2010, executing a purchasing plan with the full support of the US Supreme Court.

"The court's Citizens United decision to allow the wholesale buying and selling of elected officials by wealthy business people signals a new era in freedom," said Dallas Woodhouse, designated bus driver for Americans for the Prosperous.

Woodhouse's comments were amplified by a gaggle of North Carolina reporters who naturally sought expert commentary from Pope's partner in puppetry, John Hood.

"This is a very good day for North Carolina. The market wants to be free, and if people get screwed along the way, all the better. My boss has a saying, 'Poor people are good business.'"

Another architect of the hostile takeover, Tom Fetzer, could not be reached for comment. Rumors of his gayness continue to swirl, making him all but toxic to the Tarheel Taliban, which seeks to privatize and profit from all government functions in North Carolina.

____________________

Inspired by this excellent diary at Big Orange.