RALEIGH, NC - Based on a confidential report leaked by an administrative assistant at the John Locke Foundation today, North Carolina citizens will soon find themselves reclassified as subjects.
According to the document, Republican lawmakers in Raleigh will convene a constitutional convention this fall, designed to establish North Carolina as the first modern-day monarchy in the western hemisphere. When the convention adjourns, a coronation ceremony for His Majesty Arthur J. Pope III will take place at the historic governor's mansion. Assisting His Majesty in managing the kingdom will be The Little Prince, a position created specifically for Mr. Pope's long-time lackey and confidant.
North Carolina. First in Fealty
WHEREAS North Carolina voting districts have been gerrymandered to guarantee perpetual control by the Republican Party, and
WHEREAS, the only threat to said permanent control is fair elections, and
WHEREAS, North Carolina tax policy has been restructured to create an enduring peasant class, and
WHEREAS, public services to support the peasant class no longer exist, and
WHEREAS, the authority of towns, cities and counties to manage public utilities and services has been rescinded, and
WHEREAS, Deputy Assistant Governor McCrory has proven incapable of making even the most trivial decisions, and
WHEREAS, it is fiscally irresponsible to have a whole legislature in place, pretending they are making decisions that could be more efficiently handed down by royal decree,
NOW THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that on November 1, 2013, the State of North Carolina shall be renamed the Kingdom of North Carolina, Inc., and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that Arthur James Pope III will henceforth be known as His Royal Majesty King Arthur III, and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the king's official jester shall henceforth be known as The Little Prince, and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the the North Carolina General Assembly shall be disbanded and dismissed, and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the North Carolina Legislative Building shall be leased for 200 years to Variety Wholesalers for the price of one dollar, and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that all land within the Kingdom of North Carolina shall henceforth be owned and controlled without interference by the Kingdom.