With the end of the year in sight, the opportunities for patriotic capitalists to commercialize democracy have never been more alluring, especially here in North Carolina where the austerity agenda promises to enrich the few at the expense of the many. Think "transfer of wealth" on steroids, with hard-earned middle-class tax dollars flowing straight to the pockets of the Tarheel rich and infamous.
Leading the rapacious rush, of course, is governor-elect Art Pope, a man whose fortune was made selling cheap crap to poor people all across the state. From Dollar Stores to Maxways to Roses, the Pope family has perfected the art of class exploitation with a Machiavellian business model. He profits from the labor of our growing underclass, then redistributes those dollars to undermine public education, workers rights, environmental stewardship, and women's health. Having tried and failed to win public office the old-fashioned way, Mr. Pope recently purchased the entire infrastructure of North Carolina's state government. It must be said that the Pope Plan has established a new paradigm for success.
Which brings us to the point of this post: three exciting new business opportunities for North Carolina's investor class in the year ahead!
Indentured Adventures Unlimited. With the US now leading the world when it comes to income inequality, North Carolina workers are doing with less, enriching shareholders each and every day. This new franchise opportunity will take advantage of geographic and demographic synergies by co-locating its recruiting centers with Mr. Pope's Dollar Stores.
Sandbagging, Inc. As we all know, there is no such thing as climate change or rising sea levels. Which means that Mr. Pope's vision for strategic infrastructure will take shape in the form of old-school interventions like sandbagging beaches and dredging. We anticipate that more than $100 million in taxpayer funds will be poured into beach nourishment over the next decade, limited, of course, to islands owned and operated by North Carolina's first families.
Transvaginal Tarheel Tours. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to capitalize on the War on Women, with guaranteed income-producing investments in good old-fashioned sex. With state funding for Viagra on the rise, so to speak, more and more women are finding themselves poor and pregnant, forced to undergo invasive ultrasound tests to prove something to someone. But that's just the beginning. Mr. Pope's newest subsidiary has an exclusive license from the General Assembly to offer video tours of every probed vagina, and has even negotiated for a dedicated WhoPorn channel.
Interested in even more exciting opportunities? Stay tuned next week for insider tips on how to exploit North Carolina's latest Libertarian love-fest. In the meantime, be sure to contact the governor's office to find out how you can become one of his very own special interests!
Greed is good. Go for it!