RALEIGH, NC - The Republican-controlled North Carolina senate today passed new legislation that ends the ongoing creationist debate in the Old North State. SB666 effectively prohibits public schools from teaching both evolution and art.
Responding to a new claim by so-called "scientists" that cave paintings on the Iberian peninsula may be as old as 40,000 years, Senator Phil Berger whipped up the bill in a matter of minutes.
"Show me one person who was alive 40,000 years ago and I'll show you a zombie," said Berger. "The fact is, you can't. You can't show me one single human being who actually saw these paintings being made. God said the earth is only 6000 years old. Who you gonna believe? Him or a bunch of commie scientists?"
Paralleling the Senate's recent action to outlaw science related to climate change, Berger hinted that SB666 is a sign of many more faith-based bills being written by his conservative colleagues.
"We have big plans," said Berger. "For example, we are going to make rape disappear from our legal system. If a man forces his thingie into a woman's thingie in the future, that will be defined as God's will to be fruitful and multiply. We will never have another rape again. The same strategy applies to queers. We are simply going to make them illegal. Problem solved."
This latest move to bring North Carolina back into the 17th Century was triggered when Berger accidentally found himself reading a newspaper that had been left in a men's room in a downtown Raleigh restaurant. An unidentified man in the next stall is reported to have heard Berger swearing about the "goddamn caveman faggot artists" who are "trying to disrupt his agenda."
The article in question included this pornographic paragraph:
Stone Age artists were painting red disks, handprints, clublike symbols and geometric patterns on European cave walls long before previously thought, in some cases more than 40,000 years ago, scientists reported on Thursday, after completing more reliable dating tests that raised a possibility that Neanderthals were the artists.
"Screw a bunch of Neanderthals," Berger was heard saying. "If there's going to be any cavemen taking credit for fancy paintings, it's going to be GOP cavemen right here in Raleigh."
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