NCGOP outlaws cicada sex to stave off 17 year plague

Exclusive to Blue Onion

CORNELIUS - It may look like a beautiful spring day in the North Carolina foothills, but lurking beneath the ground lies a coming plague. That is unless Speaker Thom Tillis and his pal Skip Scam get their way.

"So-called scientists tell us that we're in for a mighty swarm of cicadas this year," said Tillis in an exclusive interview with this reporter. "But as usual, scientists are wrong. Just like they are wrong about rising sea-levels, Viagra, and Twinkies. I know this for a fact from first-hand experience."

"But just in case, we've passed emergency legislation making illegal for cicadas to rise from the ground and mate," said Skip Scam, Tillis' go-to source when it comes to animal copulation. "If the North Carolina General Assembly says there will be no cicada sex, by god, there will be no cicada sex."

"I'm pleased to see this preemptive strike against Mother Nature," said Deputy Assistant Governor McCrory in a prepared statement. "Everyone knows Mother Nature is a communist plot to undermine personal freedom, and Governor Pope has assured me there will be ample money to squash these horrific insects if they dare engage in civil-disobedience."

McCrory's statement followed on the heels of his latest corporate welfare announcement. "We believe there's huge market potential in cicada condoms," said McCrory. "If outlawing cicada sex doesn't work, somebody is going make a fortune selling birth control to the little buggers. I want that somebody to be one of the Republican donors who contributed to my campaign."

More Blue Onion here


So glad!

Oh, I'm so glad the alternate universe that is now Raleigh has this under control!