Blue Onion

EMERALD ISLE - In an impromptu press conference on this sunny beach, Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today discounted news of an alarming spike in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. With CO2 reaching concentrations not seen in millions of years, policy makers in many states are alarmed about potential impacts such as rising sea level.

"We're fortunate here in North Carolina," said McCrory. "Last year we took the prudent step of making it illegal for sea levels to rise. The same applies to CO2. We've also prohibited North Carolina planners from using data coming from other states or from the federal government. Have no fear. We are safe."

When a local marina operator told McCrory that his business would soon be underwater, McCrory mistakenly assumed the company was going bankrupt. "No sir," said Buddy Lee of Morehead City. "I'm talking about actually seeing my buildings and facilities taken over by the rising ocean."

"That cain't be happening," said McCrory. "Tell that damn ocean it is illegal to rise here in North Carolina. And if it doesn't listen, I'll send down the National Guard to arrest the son of a bitch."

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CORNELIUS - It may look like a beautiful spring day in the North Carolina foothills, but lurking beneath the ground lies a coming plague. That is unless Speaker Thom Tillis and his pal Skip Scam get their way.

"So-called scientists tell us that we're in for a mighty swarm of cicadas this year," said Tillis in an exclusive interview with this reporter. "But as usual, scientists are wrong. Just like they are wrong about rising sea-levels, Viagra, and Twinkies. I know this for a fact from first-hand experience."

"But just in case, we've passed emergency legislation making illegal for cicadas to rise from the ground and mate," said Skip Scam, Tillis' go-to source when it comes to animal copulation. "If the North Carolina General Assembly says there will be no cicada sex, by god, there will be no cicada sex."

WILMINGTON, NC - Taking their cue from secessionist proposals made by Republican members of the General Assembly last week, more than a hundred North Carolina mayors declared their cities will not comply with any GOP legislation that attempts to suppress voting.

In an open letter to Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory, the mayors announced their intention to disregard any new restrictions:

"Too many bills coming out of Raleigh are designed to make it harder and less convenient for people to vote," said the letter. "If you don't veto those bills, be forewarned that we will consider your signature an unconstitutional act, and will absolutely refuse to comply with the new laws."

The opening salvo in interstate water wars was fired this week when the Georgia legislature voted to move the state's border to take over part of Tennessee. Sparking precedent for border battles of all sorts, Chapel Hill's city council responded by asking the state of Virginia to redraw its borders so that the university town could escape the clutches of Raleigh bigots.

"We're excited about the opportunity to be part of Virginia," said Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt. "With Republicans ruling the roost in Raleigh, North Carolina basically sucks. Our deepest appreciation goes out to the people of Virginia for throwing us this lifeline."

RALEIGH, NC - Tired of having to work so hard to drag North Carolina back to the stone age, Republican leaders in Raleigh today are considering new legislation that would make their job a lot easier. Emboldened by their success in breaking the state's contract for leasing the Dix property, as well as DAG McCrory's successful raid on the coffers of the Golden Leaf Foundation, the new GOP plan calls for a sweeping repeal of any legislation not passed during the current legislative session.

"We were originally focused on the Voting Rights Act," says Senator Andrew Brock, "with a tightly worded rebuke of that entire body of legislation. But then I thought, 'What the hell? Why not throw everything out!'"

RALEIGH, NC - Based on a confidential report leaked by an administrative assistant at the John Locke Foundation today, North Carolina citizens will soon find themselves reclassified as subjects.

According to the document, Republican lawmakers in Raleigh will convene a constitutional convention this fall, designed to establish North Carolina as the first modern-day monarchy in the western hemisphere. When the convention adjourns, a coronation ceremony for His Majesty Arthur J. Pope III will take place at the historic governor's mansion. Assisting His Majesty in managing the kingdom will be The Little Prince, a position created specifically for Mr. Pope's long-time lackey and confidant.

APEX, NC - Representative Paul Stam told Triangle radio listeners today that the General Assembly will soon take up - and pass - legislation that will define abortion as murder in North Carolina.

"This Thursday, on Valentine's Day, the mighty hand of the Lord is going to strike back against the legions of whores, baby-killers, and fornicators who have ignored His holy commandments," said Stam. "Abortion is not just murder, it's premeditated murder. Those found guilty must be put to death."

Mirroring a proposal now making its way through the Iowa legislature, Stam says his bill will finally put women in their place. "The Bible says women are good for one thing and one thing only. Breeding," said Stam. "That's why my bill is identical to the one introduced by my friend Rob Bacon, a devout conservative Christian serving God in the Corn Hole State.

CORNELIUS, NC - People hoping to strike it rich by winning the NC Education Lottery have less than 11 months before their luck runs out. That's according to an early morning Tweet by Republican Speaker of the House, Thom Tillis, who later confirmed his plan to end the controversial program on December 31, 2013.

CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today took his attacks on public education to a new low, insisting that there is no longer a need for law schools in North Carolina universities.

"According to the New York Times, a flaming liberal newspaper, law school graduates can't find jobs. As a result, enrollment is sliding downhill faster than Tom Tillis' beer belly," McCrory told reporters this morning. "The fact is, hard-earned taxpayer dollars should not be going to support a bunch of pansy-assed lawyers whose profession in decline. I have directed my staff to eliminate all funding for legal education in public colleges."

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CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today doubled-down in attacking the University of North Carolina system, declaring his intention to eliminate all collegiate sports on every UNC campus effective in 2014.

"State funded universities should be educating students to get good-paying jobs," McCrory said to a standing-room-only crowd of in the Dean Smith Center.

"Look at this wasteful building," he said, pointing to the Carolina blue jerseys hanging from the rafters. "Two or three players at most will get jobs playing basketball after they graduate. That's a crazy use of tax dollars."

"And what about all the other sports here in Chapel Hill? Cross country? Are you shining me? Who gets a job as a runner these days? And what about wrestling? All those guys smelling each others' armpits? Seriously? That's not a job for a state university, that's a job for Tom Fetzer."

In a follow up question, McCrory was asked about funding for the school of education in the wake of draconian budget cuts coming to public schools. "Great point," McCrory said. "Do we really need to keep turning out teachers when we're closing schools right and left? The school of education? I don't think so. I'm going to shut that freaking place down."

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