Blue Onion

Dan River spill proves I'm right, says Skvarla

UPDATE SNARK ALERT: This post is satire. I apologize to folks who got caught off guard. Sorry for the confusion.

DANVILLE, VA -- With toxic sludge blanketing the river as far as the eye could see, North Carolina's environmental boss, John Skvarla, guided his showboat through the coal-ash hell that is the Dan River.

"I've never seen anything like this," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "And I'm sad to say, it only serves to prove my point. Government can't do anything right. All the regulations and inspections we have in place? They simply don't work. We need to privatize this river and let the free market do its thing. Somebody is going to get rich cleaning this mess up."

Breaking Blue: McCrory issues executive order outlawing pregnancy

BAT CAVE, NC - North Carolina's embattled deputy assistant governor today stepped up his fight to protect women's health in the Old North State.

"I'm tired of all these half measures," he said in a private interview in an undisclosed location. "After talking with my medical advisers about the needs of women, it's clear that banning abortion won't be enough. Our scientists say the real source of risk to women is childbirth itself. That's why I have issued an executive order making it illegal for any woman in North Carolina to get pregnant."

The bold move is similar to other executive orders issued by Mr. McCrory. Besides outlawing pregnancy, he has also declared rising sea levels and long-term unemployment to be illegal.

One organization that might have worked to undermine the new pregnancy policy is the North Carolina Family Policy Council. A spokesperson, however, said the Council is solidly behind McCrory's plan. "If you eliminate pregnancy, you eliminate the possibility of abortion, and that's what matters most."

Three reasons why America's businesses will move to North Carolina

CORN HOLE, NC - When Pat McCrory made a surprise visit to this small town today, most people thought he was simply dodging the Moral Monday protesters in Raleigh. That may be true, but the Deputy Assistant Governor also came prepared with a major policy speech and a new economic development plan called Three Points of Prosperity. According to McCrory spokesman Ima Lyre, the three points of prosperity represent unique competitive advantages North Carolina has over all other states.

Point 1. No climate change.
Last year the legislature voted to make climate change illegal in North Carolina, with a special prohibition on sea level rise. "This means businesses can come to our state and build on our shores with no fear of being washed away or flooded by rising oceans," said McCrory. "Climate change may be a scourge in other states, but it's not happening here. Not on my watch."

DAG McCrory: CO2 spike not a problem in North Carolina

EMERALD ISLE - In an impromptu press conference on this sunny beach, Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today discounted news of an alarming spike in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. With CO2 reaching concentrations not seen in millions of years, policy makers in many states are alarmed about potential impacts such as rising sea level.

"We're fortunate here in North Carolina," said McCrory. "Last year we took the prudent step of making it illegal for sea levels to rise. The same applies to CO2. We've also prohibited North Carolina planners from using data coming from other states or from the federal government. Have no fear. We are safe."

When a local marina operator told McCrory that his business would soon be underwater, McCrory mistakenly assumed the company was going bankrupt. "No sir," said Buddy Lee of Morehead City. "I'm talking about actually seeing my buildings and facilities taken over by the rising ocean."

"That cain't be happening," said McCrory. "Tell that damn ocean it is illegal to rise here in North Carolina. And if it doesn't listen, I'll send down the National Guard to arrest the son of a bitch."

NCGOP outlaws cicada sex to stave off 17 year plague

Exclusive to Blue Onion

CORNELIUS - It may look like a beautiful spring day in the North Carolina foothills, but lurking beneath the ground lies a coming plague. That is unless Speaker Thom Tillis and his pal Skip Scam get their way.

"So-called scientists tell us that we're in for a mighty swarm of cicadas this year," said Tillis in an exclusive interview with this reporter. "But as usual, scientists are wrong. Just like they are wrong about rising sea-levels, Viagra, and Twinkies. I know this for a fact from first-hand experience."

"But just in case, we've passed emergency legislation making illegal for cicadas to rise from the ground and mate," said Skip Scam, Tillis' go-to source when it comes to animal copulation. "If the North Carolina General Assembly says there will be no cicada sex, by god, there will be no cicada sex."

100 NC mayors to McCrory: We will not comply with your voter suppression schemes

WILMINGTON, NC - Taking their cue from secessionist proposals made by Republican members of the General Assembly last week, more than a hundred North Carolina mayors declared their cities will not comply with any GOP legislation that attempts to suppress voting.

In an open letter to Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory, the mayors announced their intention to disregard any new restrictions:

"Too many bills coming out of Raleigh are designed to make it harder and less convenient for people to vote," said the letter. "If you don't veto those bills, be forewarned that we will consider your signature an unconstitutional act, and will absolutely refuse to comply with the new laws."

Georgia redraws border with Tennessee in water grab, Virginia takes control of Chapel Hill

The opening salvo in interstate water wars was fired this week when the Georgia legislature voted to move the state's border to take over part of Tennessee. Sparking precedent for border battles of all sorts, Chapel Hill's city council responded by asking the state of Virginia to redraw its borders so that the university town could escape the clutches of Raleigh bigots.

"We're excited about the opportunity to be part of Virginia," said Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt. "With Republicans ruling the roost in Raleigh, North Carolina basically sucks. Our deepest appreciation goes out to the people of Virginia for throwing us this lifeline."

Breaking: NCGA to repeal all laws not passed in the current session

RALEIGH, NC - Tired of having to work so hard to drag North Carolina back to the stone age, Republican leaders in Raleigh today are considering new legislation that would make their job a lot easier. Emboldened by their success in breaking the state's contract for leasing the Dix property, as well as DAG McCrory's successful raid on the coffers of the Golden Leaf Foundation, the new GOP plan calls for a sweeping repeal of any legislation not passed during the current legislative session.

"We were originally focused on the Voting Rights Act," says Senator Andrew Brock, "with a tightly worded rebuke of that entire body of legislation. But then I thought, 'What the hell? Why not throw everything out!'"

BREAKING: NC Constitutional Convention in the works. Monarchy on the agenda.

RALEIGH, NC - Based on a confidential report leaked by an administrative assistant at the John Locke Foundation today, North Carolina citizens will soon find themselves reclassified as subjects.

According to the document, Republican lawmakers in Raleigh will convene a constitutional convention this fall, designed to establish North Carolina as the first modern-day monarchy in the western hemisphere. When the convention adjourns, a coronation ceremony for His Majesty Arthur J. Pope III will take place at the historic governor's mansion. Assisting His Majesty in managing the kingdom will be The Little Prince, a position created specifically for Mr. Pope's long-time lackey and confidant.

Breaking: NCGOP to define abortion as murder

APEX, NC - Representative Paul Stam told Triangle radio listeners today that the General Assembly will soon take up - and pass - legislation that will define abortion as murder in North Carolina.

"This Thursday, on Valentine's Day, the mighty hand of the Lord is going to strike back against the legions of whores, baby-killers, and fornicators who have ignored His holy commandments," said Stam. "Abortion is not just murder, it's premeditated murder. Those found guilty must be put to death."

Mirroring a proposal now making its way through the Iowa legislature, Stam says his bill will finally put women in their place. "The Bible says women are good for one thing and one thing only. Breeding," said Stam. "That's why my bill is identical to the one introduced by my friend Rob Bacon, a devout conservative Christian serving God in the Corn Hole State.

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