satire

EMERALD ISLE - In an impromptu press conference on this sunny beach, Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today discounted news of an alarming spike in greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. With CO2 reaching concentrations not seen in millions of years, policy makers in many states are alarmed about potential impacts such as rising sea level.

"We're fortunate here in North Carolina," said McCrory. "Last year we took the prudent step of making it illegal for sea levels to rise. The same applies to CO2. We've also prohibited North Carolina planners from using data coming from other states or from the federal government. Have no fear. We are safe."

When a local marina operator told McCrory that his business would soon be underwater, McCrory mistakenly assumed the company was going bankrupt. "No sir," said Buddy Lee of Morehead City. "I'm talking about actually seeing my buildings and facilities taken over by the rising ocean."

"That cain't be happening," said McCrory. "Tell that damn ocean it is illegal to rise here in North Carolina. And if it doesn't listen, I'll send down the National Guard to arrest the son of a bitch."

Stephen Colbert declared himself a North Carolina native this week during a segment on "The Colbert Report" in which he discussed his sister, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, losing a congressional election in his home state of South Carolina to former disgraced South Carolina governor Mark Sanford.

The angry Colbert said he felt betrayed by his home state and would turn his back on it. "From now on," he said. "And I never thought I'd say this, I am from North Carolina. No, I have to -- I have to! I'm a Tar Heel now! Whatever the f*#$ that means."

Colbert then went on to profess his love for the state bird, the cardinal (after consulting an Almanac to get the bird's name right). "That's a stupid bird," he said. "But it's mine now."

WILMINGTON, NC - Taking their cue from secessionist proposals made by Republican members of the General Assembly last week, more than a hundred North Carolina mayors declared their cities will not comply with any GOP legislation that attempts to suppress voting.

In an open letter to Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory, the mayors announced their intention to disregard any new restrictions:

"Too many bills coming out of Raleigh are designed to make it harder and less convenient for people to vote," said the letter. "If you don't veto those bills, be forewarned that we will consider your signature an unconstitutional act, and will absolutely refuse to comply with the new laws."

RALEIGH, NC - Tired of having to work so hard to drag North Carolina back to the stone age, Republican leaders in Raleigh today are considering new legislation that would make their job a lot easier. Emboldened by their success in breaking the state's contract for leasing the Dix property, as well as DAG McCrory's successful raid on the coffers of the Golden Leaf Foundation, the new GOP plan calls for a sweeping repeal of any legislation not passed during the current legislative session.

"We were originally focused on the Voting Rights Act," says Senator Andrew Brock, "with a tightly worded rebuke of that entire body of legislation. But then I thought, 'What the hell? Why not throw everything out!'"

APEX, NC - Representative Paul Stam told Triangle radio listeners today that the General Assembly will soon take up - and pass - legislation that will define abortion as murder in North Carolina.

"This Thursday, on Valentine's Day, the mighty hand of the Lord is going to strike back against the legions of whores, baby-killers, and fornicators who have ignored His holy commandments," said Stam. "Abortion is not just murder, it's premeditated murder. Those found guilty must be put to death."

Mirroring a proposal now making its way through the Iowa legislature, Stam says his bill will finally put women in their place. "The Bible says women are good for one thing and one thing only. Breeding," said Stam. "That's why my bill is identical to the one introduced by my friend Rob Bacon, a devout conservative Christian serving God in the Corn Hole State.

CORNELIUS, NC - People hoping to strike it rich by winning the NC Education Lottery have less than 11 months before their luck runs out. That's according to an early morning Tweet by Republican Speaker of the House, Thom Tillis, who later confirmed his plan to end the controversial program on December 31, 2013.

CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today took his attacks on public education to a new low, insisting that there is no longer a need for law schools in North Carolina universities.

"According to the New York Times, a flaming liberal newspaper, law school graduates can't find jobs. As a result, enrollment is sliding downhill faster than Tom Tillis' beer belly," McCrory told reporters this morning. "The fact is, hard-earned taxpayer dollars should not be going to support a bunch of pansy-assed lawyers whose profession in decline. I have directed my staff to eliminate all funding for legal education in public colleges."

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More Blue Onion posts here

With the end of the year in sight, the opportunities for patriotic capitalists to commercialize democracy have never been more alluring, especially here in North Carolina where the austerity agenda promises to enrich the few at the expense of the many. Think "transfer of wealth" on steroids, with hard-earned middle-class tax dollars flowing straight to the pockets of the Tarheel rich and infamous.

Leading the rapacious rush, of course, is governor-elect Art Pope, a man whose fortune was made selling cheap crap to poor people all across the state. From Dollar Stores to Maxways to Roses, the Pope family has perfected the art of class exploitation with a Machiavellian business model. He profits from the labor of our growing underclass, then redistributes those dollars to undermine public education, workers rights, environmental stewardship, and women's health. Having tried and failed to win public office the old-fashioned way, Mr. Pope recently purchased the entire infrastructure of North Carolina's state government. It must be said that the Pope Plan has established a new paradigm for success. 

Which brings us to the point of this post:  three exciting new business opportunities for North Carolina's investor class in the year ahead!

Dear (American business leader name goes here),

As a man who has made his living running for governor in North Carolina, I believe I know what motivates you. It's the same thing that motivates me: money, money, money!

That's why I'm writing today with this invitation for you to move your company to North Carolina. With me as your governor here in the Old North State, you can be sure that your top executives will get all the care and coddling they deserve, with free rein to exploit employees and their families without fear of accountability. What's more, we will work with you to make sure that your workforce remains firmly under your thumb, no matter what.