snark

Dan River spill proves I'm right, says Skvarla

UPDATE SNARK ALERT: This post is satire. I apologize to folks who got caught off guard. Sorry for the confusion.

DANVILLE, VA -- With toxic sludge blanketing the river as far as the eye could see, North Carolina's environmental boss, John Skvarla, guided his showboat through the coal-ash hell that is the Dan River.

"I've never seen anything like this," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "And I'm sad to say, it only serves to prove my point. Government can't do anything right. All the regulations and inspections we have in place? They simply don't work. We need to privatize this river and let the free market do its thing. Somebody is going to get rich cleaning this mess up."

McCrory awarded "Feckless Twit" honors at private GOP NCGA gathering

After reading this Onion Article

http://www.theonion.com/articles/asshole-awarded-for-asshole-behavior-by...

all I could think of is the same kind of meeting going on with McCrory and Pope and their sycophants. It doesn't take much imagination to see these guys congratulating themselves on being the most loathsome assholes in North Carolina. Anyway, click on the link and enjoy...and remember, if you should run across one of our feculent GOP legislators lying in the road moaning, be sure to stop and kick him/her in the face before calling 912..that is the number, right...yeah, I'm sure of it..

Breaking Blue: McCrory issues executive order outlawing pregnancy

BAT CAVE, NC - North Carolina's embattled deputy assistant governor today stepped up his fight to protect women's health in the Old North State.

"I'm tired of all these half measures," he said in a private interview in an undisclosed location. "After talking with my medical advisers about the needs of women, it's clear that banning abortion won't be enough. Our scientists say the real source of risk to women is childbirth itself. That's why I have issued an executive order making it illegal for any woman in North Carolina to get pregnant."

The bold move is similar to other executive orders issued by Mr. McCrory. Besides outlawing pregnancy, he has also declared rising sea levels and long-term unemployment to be illegal.

One organization that might have worked to undermine the new pregnancy policy is the North Carolina Family Policy Council. A spokesperson, however, said the Council is solidly behind McCrory's plan. "If you eliminate pregnancy, you eliminate the possibility of abortion, and that's what matters most."

Three reasons why America's businesses will move to North Carolina

CORN HOLE, NC - When Pat McCrory made a surprise visit to this small town today, most people thought he was simply dodging the Moral Monday protesters in Raleigh. That may be true, but the Deputy Assistant Governor also came prepared with a major policy speech and a new economic development plan called Three Points of Prosperity. According to McCrory spokesman Ima Lyre, the three points of prosperity represent unique competitive advantages North Carolina has over all other states.

Point 1. No climate change.
Last year the legislature voted to make climate change illegal in North Carolina, with a special prohibition on sea level rise. "This means businesses can come to our state and build on our shores with no fear of being washed away or flooded by rising oceans," said McCrory. "Climate change may be a scourge in other states, but it's not happening here. Not on my watch."

Breaking: McCrory to shutter NC law schools

CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today took his attacks on public education to a new low, insisting that there is no longer a need for law schools in North Carolina universities.

"According to the New York Times, a flaming liberal newspaper, law school graduates can't find jobs. As a result, enrollment is sliding downhill faster than Tom Tillis' beer belly," McCrory told reporters this morning. "The fact is, hard-earned taxpayer dollars should not be going to support a bunch of pansy-assed lawyers whose profession in decline. I have directed my staff to eliminate all funding for legal education in public colleges."

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Breaking: McCrory to shut down all college athletics programs

CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today doubled-down in attacking the University of North Carolina system, declaring his intention to eliminate all collegiate sports on every UNC campus effective in 2014.

"State funded universities should be educating students to get good-paying jobs," McCrory said to a standing-room-only crowd of in the Dean Smith Center.

"Look at this wasteful building," he said, pointing to the Carolina blue jerseys hanging from the rafters. "Two or three players at most will get jobs playing basketball after they graduate. That's a crazy use of tax dollars."

"And what about all the other sports here in Chapel Hill? Cross country? Are you shining me? Who gets a job as a runner these days? And what about wrestling? All those guys smelling each others' armpits? Seriously? That's not a job for a state university, that's a job for Tom Fetzer."

In a follow up question, McCrory was asked about funding for the school of education in the wake of draconian budget cuts coming to public schools. "Great point," McCrory said. "Do we really need to keep turning out teachers when we're closing schools right and left? The school of education? I don't think so. I'm going to shut that freaking place down."

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Pat McCrory goes rogue

Dear (American business leader name goes here),

As a man who has made his living running for governor in North Carolina, I believe I know what motivates you. It's the same thing that motivates me: money, money, money!

That's why I'm writing today with this invitation for you to move your company to North Carolina. With me as your governor here in the Old North State, you can be sure that your top executives will get all the care and coddling they deserve, with free rein to exploit employees and their families without fear of accountability. What's more, we will work with you to make sure that your workforce remains firmly under your thumb, no matter what.

On Helping Republicans, Or, Next Time You Need A Bad Idea, Try These

I have spent a number of years complaining about the interactions between Democrats and Republicans, but after the recent events involving the Keystone XL and civil liberties cave-ins, I’ve decided it’s time to stop complaining and embrace the madness.

But I also feel like there’s an ugly edge to all this…that hasn’t really been fully exploited.

I mean, Republicans have tried to force through a lot of disgusting ideas this Congress as they’ve held various bills hostage, but it seems like, if they really tried, they could do so much more.

But I’m not here to complain, I’m here to help; that’s why today we’ll be trotting out a few ideas of our own that Republicans can attach to bills throughout 2012, with the assistance of certain errant Democrats.

It’ll be fun, it’ll be festive, but most of all…it’ll be an exercise in Civic Responsibility, and in these difficult times, that’s something we could sorely use.

On The Question Of Virginity, Or, “Starter? I Can’t Make Her Stop!”

I got a weird little story about my friend Blitz Krieger to bring to you today.

He’s had a crazy car problem, he has, and over the past few months he thought he had found a solution – in fact, he thought he had found the solution of his dreams – but in the end, he’s discovered that the things you dream about often don’t go according to plan.

The way it’s worked out for him so far, it’s been a lot of anticipation followed by a sudden wave of frustration, but I feel like he’s a lot better off having his particular problem with his car…because if he’d had cancer instead, he’d surely be dead by now.

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