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CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today took his attacks on public education to a new low, insisting that there is no longer a need for law schools in North Carolina universities.

"According to the New York Times, a flaming liberal newspaper, law school graduates can't find jobs. As a result, enrollment is sliding downhill faster than Tom Tillis' beer belly," McCrory told reporters this morning. "The fact is, hard-earned taxpayer dollars should not be going to support a bunch of pansy-assed lawyers whose profession in decline. I have directed my staff to eliminate all funding for legal education in public colleges."

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CHAPEL HILL, NC - Deputy Assistant Governor Pat McCrory today doubled-down in attacking the University of North Carolina system, declaring his intention to eliminate all collegiate sports on every UNC campus effective in 2014.

"State funded universities should be educating students to get good-paying jobs," McCrory said to a standing-room-only crowd of in the Dean Smith Center.

"Look at this wasteful building," he said, pointing to the Carolina blue jerseys hanging from the rafters. "Two or three players at most will get jobs playing basketball after they graduate. That's a crazy use of tax dollars."

"And what about all the other sports here in Chapel Hill? Cross country? Are you shining me? Who gets a job as a runner these days? And what about wrestling? All those guys smelling each others' armpits? Seriously? That's not a job for a state university, that's a job for Tom Fetzer."

In a follow up question, McCrory was asked about funding for the school of education in the wake of draconian budget cuts coming to public schools. "Great point," McCrory said. "Do we really need to keep turning out teachers when we're closing schools right and left? The school of education? I don't think so. I'm going to shut that freaking place down."

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Dear (American business leader name goes here),

As a man who has made his living running for governor in North Carolina, I believe I know what motivates you. It's the same thing that motivates me: money, money, money!

That's why I'm writing today with this invitation for you to move your company to North Carolina. With me as your governor here in the Old North State, you can be sure that your top executives will get all the care and coddling they deserve, with free rein to exploit employees and their families without fear of accountability. What's more, we will work with you to make sure that your workforce remains firmly under your thumb, no matter what.

I have spent a number of years complaining about the interactions between Democrats and Republicans, but after the recent events involving the Keystone XL and civil liberties cave-ins, I’ve decided it’s time to stop complaining and embrace the madness.

But I also feel like there’s an ugly edge to all this…that hasn’t really been fully exploited.

I mean, Republicans have tried to force through a lot of disgusting ideas this Congress as they’ve held various bills hostage, but it seems like, if they really tried, they could do so much more.

But I’m not here to complain, I’m here to help; that’s why today we’ll be trotting out a few ideas of our own that Republicans can attach to bills throughout 2012, with the assistance of certain errant Democrats.

It’ll be fun, it’ll be festive, but most of all…it’ll be an exercise in Civic Responsibility, and in these difficult times, that’s something we could sorely use.

I got a weird little story about my friend Blitz Krieger to bring to you today.

He’s had a crazy car problem, he has, and over the past few months he thought he had found a solution – in fact, he thought he had found the solution of his dreams – but in the end, he’s discovered that the things you dream about often don’t go according to plan.

The way it’s worked out for him so far, it’s been a lot of anticipation followed by a sudden wave of frustration, but I feel like he’s a lot better off having his particular problem with his car…because if he’d had cancer instead, he’d surely be dead by now.

On speaking to power, or, when sanity's gone, there's always satire

So everybody’s hearing the news, right? There is a tentative debt ceiling deal, and this Administration and Congressional Democrats seem to have won everything they wanted: Republicans get to have multiple “we don’t approve” votes before 2012 on raising the debt ceiling, there won’t be any new revenue, there’s going to be another “hostage-taking” event around Christmastime, for many Democrats the issue of the Ryan Budget and the dismantling of Medicare is likely off the table for the 2012 electoral cycle, and the Administration seems to have figured out a way to not involve itself in shaping the way that entitlement reform will work out.

All in all, it’s some pretty slick negotiating, and I’m sure this Administration and Democratic Congressional leaders must be very proud. Even on bad days, however, you gotta have some fun, and that’s why I’m encouraging everyone to take a minute today to say #thanksalot.

(FNS - Washington, New Germany, April 17, 1947) America’s new Führer, Adolf Hitler, announced today that his official War History would in fact acknowledge that one of the biggest contributing factors to the defeat of the Allies was the insistence of the former United States of America on sticking to its Balanced Budget Amendment, which left them unable to fund the wartime conversion of the US economy for the benefit of the Alliance.

“All those ideas Mr. Roosevelt spoke of”, said Hitler, “Lend-Lease, modular shipbuilding, War Bonds, secret weapons…in the end, all of them were just words, since the Americans’ Congress was never willing to allow the country to fully fund its war effort.”

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