Blue Onion

NC lawmaker files bill requiring all marriage applicants take up serpents

"It's the only way to be sure they really want to get married," stated freshman Republican Representative Biddle Tanner. Recently elected to the newly-formed 147th House District, which encompasses the lay-preacher's hometown Yancey Creek (formerly known as Poacher's Hollow), Tanner successfully ran on a platform promising voters a return to Christian values and the recruitment of another gas station to the area to undercut the dominance of Lyle's Baitshop & Filling Station, owned by an avowed Methodist and snake-hater.

"'They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.' I didn't write that, God did. And Lyle Covington needs to step back and contemplate the meaning of eternity, and whether he wants to burn in Hell along with the homosexuals and other people who don't like snakes."

Breaking: The end of marriage in North Carolina

RALEIGH - In a shrewd legislative maneuver, Senate Majority Leader Phil Berger today ushered North Carolina into a new post-coital era. The end of marriage is upon us.

"We're letting any public official who wants to opt out of marrying queers do just that," says Berger. "Unfortunately, they'll also have to opt out of marrying anybody else too. But whatever. At least queers won't be getting hitched."

The new law promises to decimate marriage in North Carolina. Magistrates, county clerks, registers of deeds, and everyone else involved in marriages can now say, "Thanks, but no thanks," knowing they have job protection no matter how little work they actually do.

"That's fine by me," says Berger. "I'm all for white Republican Christians getting paid to sit on their asses. It's only darkies that get under my skin."

In response to the action, a spokesperson for the North Carolina ACLU shook her head and laughed. "Here we go again," she said. Extremists passing laws that won't pass any constitutional smell test. So now the state will be spending millions of taxpayer dollars defending this crap in court."

UPDATE: Read the bill itself. And then encourage every public official you can think of to "just say no" in enabling any marriage.

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